Are you an atheist? Agnostic? A Christian with a crisis of faith? A Satanist? Or perhaps you are someone who simply doesn’t know in what to believe anymore?
Well, have I got some good news for you!
I am proud to introduce to you the only religion you’ll ever need; Statetheism!
Tired of stressing over the existence of God? Good news! With Statetheism, you never have to worry about the existence of the government! You see those guys over there with the guns, that’s the state for you! And those pesky tax collectors, they’ll be there to restore your faith every time you get paid! And don’t worry, if you don’t comply with their edicts, they’ll be happy to send you on a pilgrimage to the state or federal penitentiary where you can pay your penance on your knees servicing the biggest, scariest mother f’n sinner in prison with you. I hear if you don’t struggle, they are more likely to be gentle…
Are you worried about what or how to worship? No need. Human rights are the new liturgy. The United Nations has laid out the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I know those old religions stressed what you weren’t allowed to do with all of their, thou shalt nots, like thou shalt not kill, and the like, but that just leaves too much ambiguity and freedom in human affairs. Too many humans making their own choices can only lead to chaos. Thankfully, our betters at the U.N. have laid out a list of thirty things we are entitled to simply by virtue of being human, and the State is obligated to provide those things for us. The government truly is a benevolent lord and savior.
By now, you are probably wondering about saints. These are a facet of any good religion, so of course Statetheism has a wonderful pantheon of saints to choose from for your eternal worship. If you prefer the living saints, you may worship Angela Merkel, Justin Trudeau, Elizabeth Warren, Barack Obama, Paul Krugman, or everyone’s favorite teetotaler, Hillary Clinton. She really is the embodiment of Stately virtue. If you prefer the presence of the anointed fallen and resurrected, you can always worship at the altar of Franklin D. Roosevelt, John Maynard Keynes, Lyndon B Johnson, and everyone’s favorite, Abraham Lincoln. However, it is only the truly devout that will ascend to worship the exalted and divine saints of Rockefeller and Rothschild.
One of the most important facets of Christianity is the triune God-head. God exists above you, beside you, and within you; the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit respectively. Not to fear, Statetheism has a much more tangible presence in your life. The Father of Statetheism, which is above you, is the Bureaucracy that makes the laws that stifle the freedom that is such an abominable sin. The Son, which is beside you, is the men with guns waiting around to correct you if you fall out of line by doing something that isn’t allowed by the Bureaucracy. And finally, the Holy Spirit is inside your wallet right now. It is the currency circulated across the country and around the world. It is printed from nothing, has no intrinsic value, and is used everywhere because everyone has faith that it actually means something. You can’t get more spiritual than that!
Another facet of any good religion is an all knowing, all powerful God. I can assure you that thanks to the internet, Google, and the NSA, the government knows everything they possibly can about you. And don’t worry, if they feel the need to assert their power over you, they will either blackmail you with your search history, or entrap you in some sort of a pedophile sex scandal. If you want to see power, just look at all the people the Clintons have had killed. Is it any wonder they are such exalted saints within the religion? It is said that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. But, don’t worry folks, under Statetheism, the government is God, so it cannot be corrupted.
Now, I know at this time you may have some questions. Not to worry. Have a nice long conversation about all of these ideas and assuage your fears with one of our clergy. Chances are good you voted for one of them recently. And even if you didn’t vote, for them or at all, they will be happy to reaffirm the belief that the government is there to serve the people and do for them what they cannot do for themselves. Which, if you are a devout Statetheist, you know is absolutely nothing. As our faith professes, we love humanity, but human beings are terrible creatures going to bring about the destruction of the world through global climate change or some other disaster unless they let us completely control their lives for them.
Don’t be afraid. Choosing a new religion is always a scary decision, but I can assure you, whether you are a willing member of the faith or not, you are practicing the religion every day. So, why fight it? It is part of the social contract after all.